Saturday, September 1, 2012

Failing marks

The kids go back to school next week, but for me I'm closing in on the end of my 2012 education and the marks aren't good. If I could sum up this season in one word, there are many I could choose from; frustrating, brutal, hopeless and a bunch of others of a more expletive nature.

Here is a look at the class of 2012 and perhaps you'll understand more what I'm talking about.

Fiesta: C- Fiesta continues to be the only somewhat-effective weed control, not killer, on the market, so I don't have much choice but to offer this student a seat in next year's homeroom. Yet, with the number of days pushing beyond 30 Celsius, this student was all but invisible and my patience is wearing thin. Not that I expect much from the next prodigy either. Remember that awful student Sarritor. That dude's now on the streets and homeless.

Corn Gluten: D- I've had it with this consistently under performing student and I am expelling it from all my programs except the organic next year, where it truly belongs. This will also be the final warning for some of my suppliers who happily took my money under the guise of organic products that are bullet proof. You can only sell so much snake oil before the consumer catches on and the backlash is never pretty.

Mother Nature: F If ever there was a student who deserves to be held back another year this is it. An early summer in March, 4 days of precipitation in April- most of that snow, heat alert after heat alert and a dryer, hotter year, with 20% the normal amount of rain fall and you have the class trouble maker. I'm still putting out fires from this one.

Nematodes: C- With insect damage getting worse this year I knew I'd have to rely heavily on this student to perform. However, sitting next to Mother Nature only helped to pull Nematodes grades down for this special needs student.

Super Green: D Perhaps this isn't the year to judge this student, after all if was a foreign exchange for Neem oil, but I didn't see any improvement what-so-ever and if this is what I can expect in the future then I want this application out of my class. Again, notice to the supplier: Don't bullshit me on effectiveness.

Bill 88: A+ Conservative MPP Bill Chudleigh understood the dilemma and took it to Queen's Park. He demanded an amendment to the bylaw to curb the black market mentality that now exists and could have worse repercussions for the environment and a dying lawn care industry, but the other class clowns didn't see the benefit and shot it down in the second reading. So while golf courses and farmers still get exemption because they're on the football team, I have to soldier on with out the benefit of a substitute teacher.

Pam Charbaneau and the Guelph Turf Grass Institute: C  While sometimes informative, Pam doesn't offer much on how to deal with the many problems that have arisen this year. Perhaps a trip to the Vice Principal's office might get her head in the game?

Overall lawns: C- But like so many athletes these days, it's really easy to tell who's juicin' with old time product from the states.

With a class full of these misfits it's easy to see why this teacher is burnt out. Maybe next year's students will be a little easier on me...but somehow I doubt it.

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